My First 6 Weeks of Being a Mom
I got this inspiration from seeing a few women do recap videos of their first years or months as a mom, and I'm thinking of keeping this as a diary almost for myself. But I want to do this month to month to really remember how I felt, and also share with all of you. When I shared my birth story, and the difficulty of breastfeeding so many of you reached out via direct message and emails. In my hardest times emotionally through this journey, many of you have come to me with your own stories, and I have to say it's proven to be helpful for both of us in each instance. The more I discuss it with others, the better I feel. The more understanding I receive, the less crazy and "dramatic" I feel too. You understand, and it's therapeutic.
My Lilah was born on September 15th, 2022.
Over the last month and a half (I'm writing this on October 29th so 6 weeks and 2 days now) I have felt a slew of emotions. If you haven't listened to my very shaky birth story, you can click that link and watch my IG Stories. I will write a more detailed blog post in the coming weeks, but I don't want to at this point in time.
After my birth, which was traumatic for me in my own ways, I felt icky. I was sad I didn't have the positive birth experience that so many women have had. I was also still reeling from the fact that I "had to" have a C section (watch birth story to understand the specifics of the synopsis from my doctor.) Because I didn't labor, and because the C section was so paralyzing, I have fear and post traumatic stress from the experience.
The Physical Outlook
The first two days in the hospital are brutal. Everyone sugarcoated it for me, so I was not expecting it to be quite so rough. Obviously I knew surgery was going to happen, and I would feel like shit but the level of shittiness was never described to me properly. I'm here trying to set a realistic expectation, and I'm also the person who believes in hearing the bad scenarios so whatever happens is better than the worst scenario I imagined. Not everyone is like that, but I was just not prepared. After the anesthesia wears off, all the pain relief after is weak sauce. I also didn't want many pain meds since I knew constipation was going to be worse the longer I took it. After the surgery and having the two hours in the pre-op room, I was moved to the "mommy and baby room" and on that ride, I got so nauseous. I was panicking and told them I needed to throw up, and I am not a puker. Then those two nights at the hospital are just the pits. Yes you have your sweet baby, but the struggle of getting in and out of the bathroom is rough. Everything hurts. Things not even involved in the surgery, but I was weak and felt horrible. The lack of sleep, all the meds wearing off, the general soreness of the incision, etc.
The first week proved that each day was better than the one before it, which was a relief. It was on day 4 or 5 where I started to really feel awful because I hadn't gone to the bathroom in a week (basically the day before the C section.) This is definitely too much information, but I am very regular normally so not going for a week was starting to wreck havoc to my body. Every mom had told me the first poop after giving birth was rough, but the level of constipation even with a C section was brutal too. I mean I can't imagine dealing with the constipation and also tears, but it was rough. That was probably the hardest part of the recovery in those first two weeks. Once I went to the bathroom I felt like a whole new woman.
Getting into the second to third weeks, I felt better physically. I was getting more sleep and things were more consistent.
And by the fourth week, I was starting to feel like I could work out. Actually I was getting antsy to get back to the gym, go for a run, do some box jumps, you get my drift.
Now that I've gotten past six weeks, I am cleared to work out and do whatever I want to which is why today I went for my first run in a long long time. I feel good physically. At the moment I'm waiting until Lilah gets her 2 month shots before getting back in that dirty gym environment so she has that protection at the very least in the event I bring something back from the gym.
The Emotional Synopsis
This is where everything fell apart for me. To preface this, I'm not a super emotional or mushy gushy type of person so all the emotions really hit me at full force.
The first week was mostly trying to survive the physical, but by week two I felt like everything got me super emotional. I remember texting my two best friends and telling them I was overly anxious and concerned about everything. I was sobbing and emotional when Aaron said he was going to run a few errands, and I was worried about him driving and getting into an accident. Racing thoughts, overly concerned and just having anxiety over every little thing was super debilitating. It was emotional, and I know it's normal but man it was rough.
Weeks three and four, I was feeling depressed and when I wasn't sad I felt anger. I felt like I had sacrificed so much physically, and everything set me off. Poor Aaron. I did feel bad for him for the uncalled for moods and emotions I was spewing every hour, but then I realize I WENT THROUGH PREGNANCY AND BIRTH and then that made me angry again. Again all normal but still so debilitating and made me feel so helpless.
Going into week five, things started evening out for me. At the pediatrician's I had to do the test sharing how I felt emotionally and while I wasn't "back to normal" I was doing a lot better, in comparison to the one and two week check-ins. As I finish week 6, I am really feeling like "myself" again which makes me so relieved. It's a strange feeling to know you're not feeling like yourself, but still be feeling not like yourself. Does that make sense? I'm sure other moms understand.
I'd love to hear about your recoveries.
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